Pain has silenced me

I have had so much pain in my llife, So much heartache and so much tragedy. My pain has silenced me. I have become what I hate: a pessimistic, angry, bitter, lost- dreamer. Just like my dad. I had such great dreams. Big dreams. But none of them came true. However, my greatest nightmares did come true. ALL OF THEM! I am alone, like always. Inside me is a tidal wave of talent, displaced. I have spent my life helping others. In my most needed moments there was no there to help me. I am shocked that I am not treasured more by others. I thought I had something special to offer this world.
Tonight I don't have the answers. But I seek them. Looking back only brings back trauma and pain. Looking forward brings confusion.
I am tired.I wish somethig good could happen to me. Something so good that I would not doubt that I am blessed. LIke winning the lottery,(3 million) like finding a man to share my life with and create a beautiful family with. Like getting a great job as a writer, filmmaker, actress. Like giving birth to healthy children. LIke traveling. Like being blessed with good friends that really care about me. Not these 'Hollywood friendships" that permeate LA.
Creator can you just allow me to know that I am blessed? Am I blessed just because I am alive? Am I blessed because I am healthy? Have I forgotten that I am blessed?
I give thanks for my beloved Calypso. My feline companion who has been with me throughout it all.
I am grateful because of her. She has blessed my life.