Having weird parents

No I'm not talking about hippie mom's or lovable but odd Dad's with quirky habits. I'm talking about sicko-freak-weirdo-twisted-nut case-demented-warped parents. Yeah that kind. I don't think you really wake up to the shit that went down in your childhood until you go out into the world and go "Oh my god, when dad showed me his penis when I was 12 that WASN'T NORMAL"!! Or When my dad would be hiding behind the curtains watching the neighbors. Or when my mom would steal from her boss and beat my head when I was 7. Or my sister who married a Nazi. Or my mom who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on shopping but not one penny on her kid's education.
Or what about when I was sick and mom would scream at me? Remember how she knew that screaming at me would cause me to have a seizure. And remember how many times she did that? Remember how just before someone loved me or something good was going to happen, she let me know that I am "dirty and ugly".
The world behind closed doors was very different than the one in front of it.
Or what about mommie dearest who was bought by my sister and lured to dump me for an exchange of luxurious items.
I have seen the face of Satan. He is cloaked in everyday clothes. He has a smile on his face and respect from society. He pays taxes, gives lavish parties for his kids and looks great!
To the people: the weirdos are never the one's who look weird. They are the one's who look normal. Buyer beware!

Pain has silenced me

I have had so much pain in my llife, So much heartache and so much tragedy. My pain has silenced me. I have become what I hate: a pessimistic, angry, bitter, lost- dreamer. Just like my dad. I had such great dreams. Big dreams. But none of them came true. However, my greatest nightmares did come true. ALL OF THEM! I am alone, like always. Inside me is a tidal wave of talent, displaced. I have spent my life helping others. In my most needed moments there was no there to help me. I am shocked that I am not treasured more by others. I thought I had something special to offer this world.
Tonight I don't have the answers. But I seek them. Looking back only brings back trauma and pain. Looking forward brings confusion.
I am tired.I wish somethig good could happen to me. Something so good that I would not doubt that I am blessed. LIke winning the lottery,(3 million) like finding a man to share my life with and create a beautiful family with. Like getting a great job as a writer, filmmaker, actress. Like giving birth to healthy children. LIke traveling. Like being blessed with good friends that really care about me. Not these 'Hollywood friendships" that permeate LA.
Creator can you just allow me to know that I am blessed? Am I blessed just because I am alive? Am I blessed because I am healthy? Have I forgotten that I am blessed?
I give thanks for my beloved Calypso. My feline companion who has been with me throughout it all.
I am grateful because of her. She has blessed my life.

Surviving the holidays

No, I really mean it. The holidays bring me to a place of despair. Just when I think I'm going to be Ok. I lose it. You see my family dumped me. That's probably in truth a really good thing since they are crazy , sadistic, alcoholic, mean-spirited, hate mongers.
But tell that to the little girl who just wants to be loved by her family. You know, the one that believes that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I started this blog to help me to not take a bottle of Tylenol PM and a pint of gin tonight.(I'm told that's knocks you out FOREVER)
Maybe I'll hold on to HOPE? You know ,that slogan that Obama is preaching. Maybe something good will come out of this nightmare of a life, a train wreck of an existence? Maybe just maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainblow? For tonight at least I will hold on and stave off eternal sleep. My goal: to get through the night without thinking of my past. It always inspires me to want to say bye bye life.